Totally rational fears

I was at a work function with some co workers last night and we started to discuss phobias. Everyone seems to think mine is a very weird and irrational phobia...I swear it's not...well maybe to everyone else it is. For those who don't know me I'm petrified of fish. Like scared stupid 110% of them. Bugs etc don't bother me, spiders don't bother me...fish send me into a blind panic.

I can't pin point when my fear started...maybe whatever triggered it I blocked out. I just know I was like this when I was in primary school so it's been a fear for a long time. The one time I clearly remember an incident that involved my fear was a form 3 geography trip to a place in Co. Antrim called Ballintoy. I guess the biggest give away that this would not be a good place for me was the fact the bus stopped at Ballintoy Harbour. In pictures it's a lovely place..in reality for me it was hell on earth. We were meant to study rock formations and chalk etc but there was one thing that stuck out for me from the whole trip.

The group was split into smaller groups to make us more manageable so we weren't running wild around the rocks and forming a rebellion against the teachers. My group was led into a small hut and everyone sat around on benches screwed to the wall. It was fine...very smelly but fine. Well...I thought it was until I stood up. When I stood up I discovered the floor was slippy and squishy...when I looked down all over the floor was fish guts and underneath the benches there was part of a gutted fish. I think that's when I wanted to puke and cry. After that one trip I was off school for 2 days...genuinely ill. My mum's a nurse so I wasn't allowed off unless I was actually deathly sick...until I was in 6th year then she would let me off to do work at home (thanks mum!). I think I was about 13 when that trip happened....11years on and I still remember in clearly.

Fish are a very real phobia...it's the eyes, mouth, fins, skin...general lack of legs...oh dear goodness fish with legs would escalate it to a whole new level of fear. It's not even just fish now...it's everything from the sea...totally sucks but I'd rather stay away than hyperventilate in the water. I do admit slightly irrationally when people send me pictures of fish I do end up standing on a chair kind of like they're on the floor...which I know isn't really possible.

One of my friends suggested to me I should get an empty fish bowl for my desk and gradually add things to it. Start off with the bowl...then add water...then rocks..keep building it up. Then when I get to the fish part I can start with a plastic fish and build to a real one.

All I can say is if someone buys me a fish...I'm getting a cat.

Driving Pet Peeves #1

I have many many driving pet peeves that I encounter on a daily basis, however I'm not saying my driving is brillant either. I found one of the most annoying driving pet peeves this morning as I was running a little late for work (not my fault...major traffic jams for no reason..wait you're not my boss so I have no need to explain that). These are the drink drivers...not the drunk drivers...the drink drivers. These are the ones who drink coffee/tea/hot chocolate/smoothies in their car. It's not that they're drinking in their car that annoys me...I'd like to point that out because I do it too. It's more their inability to multi task. You'll be merrily driving along behind them doing maybe 100 and then they reach for their drink and suddenly without any warning their speed drops to 65...no brakes...it just drops. It's like they drink and take their foot off the pedal at the same time in some sort of dual motion. Only to add insult to injury they do this in the fast lane causing all the traffic to have to slow and be overtaken by the slow lane. As you can imagine as this is a drink they don't just take one sip on their journey, they take multiple so every few minutes you're having to slam on your brakes because the idiot takes their foot off the accelerator.

I swear they probably even know they do it but choose to ignore it. My best friend has this afflicition whereby she can't drink and walk at the same time. It can be quite amusing but she knows she can't do it so she yells stop when she needs to drink...she also doesn't block the way for other people because she's nice like that. So my point is that these people I'm sure know they can't drive and drink so why do they feel the need to subject the rest of us to it. It's not that hard to wait for a little while to have your coffee in work...you can use a thermos/travel mug to keep it warm if that's your issue. However if you need to drink and drive at least do it in the slow lane where you don't annoy the rest of us and nearly cause accidents.

Also....on a personal note...to the guy in the mx5 with the sports exhaust who thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and kept revving his engine to hear his exhaust.
An MX5 is a hairdresser's car. (hairdresser's car = car for girls or effeminate men). Point...you didn't look cool and you were too old to pull it off.

Elevators...part 3

It's been a few weeks and the fire retardant blankets are still on in one of the elevators at work...yep...just one. They apparently only have one set of 'good' blankets. So I've changed my mind on this being a threat...I now have a theory. I think it may just a way for the cleaners to avoid having to clean all the metal in the elevators as much. I really don't see why there has to be blankets up for this length of time and in one of the 3 elevators. Actually thinking about it I don't think I've ever seen the blankets up in either of the other two elevators...that's just weird. I really need to get over this fear.

Two years...2 not 3...2

Yesterday I had officially been in Canada for 2 years...yay! I can honestly say I wouldn't change my decision and go back. I miss Northern Irelandand my friends and I do miss some of my friends in Scotland but I love my life here. Granted things have changed substantially since I got here but everything has worked out.

I guess the biggest change was my husband walking out but that was a difficult relationship. Due to this blog being very much a public place I'm not going to say anything about that. However with him leaving came the very real thought that here I was with our son and going to have to do this on my own. Thankfully not fully though...my parents have been a massive help and support. Also...the biggest help was letting us live in their basement. So in two years I've acquired a group of tight knit friendships, a house, a car and a career...not too shabby really.

I tend to take everything as it comes and I just deal with it which has worked to my advantage. I guess with everything that happened and all the horrible feelings that went with it came a great feeling of freedom. That mixed with a new country has been quite exciting.

I always get asked how I like it here and if it's different from the U.K...lots and yes. It's such a different way of life. Everyone is so proactive and wants to live life to the fullest and make the most of what they have. There's is a bit of an obsession with stuff and with people's position or job. It's just very different. There is no real going to sit in the pub every day after work for the whole night because you have nothing better to do (I know not everyone did that but from working in pubs I know a great deal of people did). There is just so much more opportunity to do things and so much more available. I think that this move has been the best for Ben and for me. I really wouldn't change it. It's funny to think this decision had been made before I was pregnant....so that's 5 years ago...wow.

I think if anyone has ever thought of moving away to another country even just for a little while they should just go for it. It gives you a whole different perspective and can turn into a brillant adventure. Although on a side note...Northern Ireland will always be home :) I miss it but don't think I'd want to live there again permanently.

Starbucks Dreams

So this morning I'm sitting putting on my make up and my son comes in and stands beside my bed. I wait for his profound piece of conversation he's about to throw out there at me first thing in the morning and here it goes....

"Mommy, where's my Lightening McQueen stickers?".

Ben LOVES cars, trucks, fire trucks, diggers...anything that's big, fast or makes lots of noise so he has lots of Lightening McQueen stickers.

"Which Lightening McQueen stickers?"

"The ones I got yesterday..."

"You didn't get any yesterday"

"Yes I did" ...I can hear that kind of half whine start

"No you really didn't"

"Yes I did...I bought some at Starbucks"

"Ben...you weren't at Starbucks yesterday"

"Yes I was!!!"

"No you weren't...you were at school yesterday"

"I WASSSSS" as he flings himself on the floor in a 'the world is so hard on me right now' sobbing mess.

So I think my son is now dreaming about Starbucks and Lightening McQueen stickers...either that or daycare is really going all out on expensive day trips. I'll get worried when I start hearing him say in his sleep "grande white mocha please"..."yes some whip, thanks".

At least he's going high end and not Tim's (why does their coffee always taste burnt??) This could be bad though...this might be the sign of an expensive future ahead....more expensive than I had first predicted. Btw...it's not coffee in the pic...he doesn't need more energy thanks.

Elevators part 2...

So I think we've established I don't like elevators. Now I suspect that the ones in work know I don't like them...either that or maybe gremlins exist. Either way...something was responsible for my blind panic earlier.

I get into the elevator on my own...kind of normal and fine. Took a long time to come but such is life. So I hit the button for floor number 4. Doors shut and it starts to move...then...suddenly out of the blue all the buttons light up out of no where! Petrified...I can almost hear horror music in the background (you know the kind from an old Alfred Hitchcock film). So it stops at 2...I get out. I think it's blantantly obvious that I'm not trusting this elevator to actually reach my floor and it's just gonna be me stuck in a small place with little air which makes it so much worse. The only thing worse would be if the man who says "I know where you're going" when I go to the washroom was there too.

So floor number 2 I discovered has nothing on it. Unlike my floor it doesn't really have a corridor. It has about enough room for the elevators and then a locked glass door at either side which you need a passcard for. So basically I've come from one confined space to another one. I press the button to go up and wait....and wait....and wait some more. I have no idea how many times I pressed the button but the more I descended into panic that I'd be stuck in the space and no one seemed to be about the worse I got. And I started to feel really hot all of a sudden...paniced and hot(not in the attractive way). Then I started to think that I bet when an elevator does come it'll just the the same on I got off and it'll be waiting for me to press a button and then I'll be stuck again with a big illuminated panel.

So I hear the ding...and you guessed it...same elevator. However this time it has people in it. So I'm kind of half shamed to get into it since there is no where to hide to pretend I hadn't pressed the button and wait for another one. Safety in numbers and all that...less air but if it breaks maybe they'd rescue us faster since there's more of us. Thankfully I reach the 4th floor!!! I just have to get home now. Seriously maybe it's a shared thing...they know I don't like them so they don't like me either.

And no...it's not an irrational fear...all my fears are rational and sane...just don't every shut me in and elevator with fish, birds and vantriloquist dummies....that's all I ask...not a lot really.

2004...

So I was talking to my best friend and reminiscing about old times together. Particularly a trip we made when I was at university. It was nothing big or fancy...she came over for a week before university ended for the summer so we could drive home together. It was great though and one of the best times of my life. I think it was the haze of dr pepper, melted chocolate, chocolat, Amelie and Breakfast at Tiffany's that added to it's brillance. I was totally overloaded with work that I had to have handed in before the week was over. I was working on my final designs but hadn't finished all of my back up work...I'm not a methodical worker at all apparently. So since Naomi used to do art and was better at drawing than I was she actually helped with some of the back up drawings (Cheers!!). The projects I was doing was based on comfort eating (the theme was comfort) so I had a lot going on with chocolate which, of course, required a lot of experimentation and melted chocolate. I did have a lot of this done before Naomi came over but it's so much more fun when there's two people to mess about with chocolate and go to the supermarket at 1am to binge buy sweets....shop assistants don't look at you as weirdly when there's two of you. So during the day when I was at uni she'd draw the sweet wrappers for me (left over carnage from the night before). Then at night we'd watch films and melt copious amounts of chocolate while I mixed pva and brown paint together and dripped it over fabric. I was never really the drawing type (unlike Naomi)...give me a vat of PVA glue any day!

The drive home was...interesting...both of us were tired and found EVERYTHING hilarious. That...and the large quantities of Dr Pepper we consumed. I think it was partly that drive which made the trip one of the best ever. So in tribute to Naomi and our trip 5 years ago....I stole from her blog some of our totally ridiculous phrases from our journey home...and a picture from our favourite part of Nightmare Before Christmas...note, we were fans before it was the big massive emo tweeny bopper thing to love.

Random things said/seen while in Scotland:

"Look at you being all 'Look at me.'"

"Just 'cos MY nose is small and dainty."

"Heh-ohhhh"

"Well done...want a hula hoop?"

"I have an urge to say 'Your mum is like Juliette Binoche.'

"Eee-niz-buh-luh"

Tiredness can kill.

"Sorry, got distracted by a comfortable bush."

N'M-earns

"I keep wanting to take off my shoes, but I know that's 'cos I'm thinking 'What are you doing in bed with your shoes on?'"

"DR PEPPER!!!"

Retarded thing Clo said last night while watching the spides leave the Lisburn Omniplex car park: "They're all moving, it's like a little herd. Oh wait...that's the road."

Naomi...I was also just thinking remember Underworld...it was so sequins. Lol months of sending sequins and sparkily paper in the mail.

Thank You!

I think I've been going pretty well at this whole blogging thing this time around. It's usually a bit of a mix between sarcastic rants, things I find that are nice and my son's little things that I want to write somewhere where I can always see them. However todays is a little more personal...

I was sitting in church this morning and realising that as the elder read a hymn out that thanksgiving is pretty much the equalivalent toharvest in the U.K. Although I think I like thanksgiving better because when I was sitting there I was thinking of all the things I need to be thankful for. The whole point I know...but harvest just really doesn't convey it as well. The more I sat there and thought the more I realised just how much I have to be thankful for. I mean, I know not everyone reading this won't know the ins and outs of my life but to say that the past 5 or more years have been easy would be a far understatement. So todays post is my chance to say thanks to those who've stuck with me unwaiveringly through everything from being pregnant in a country with none of my family, to getting married, to my less than nice relationship (putting it delicately), to my marriage falling to bits, through getting my son status in this country, to rebuilding my life...and everything before, after and in between. So here it goes..in no order.

To my parents....geez I've put you both through more than your fair share of stress, headaches and worry. I know we don't always see eye to eye but you've always been there for me through everything. Without you both I'd be sunk. I don't think my mum will ever know how much I appreciated every single letter and phone call when I was in Scotland or when she sat with me when my ex left. I can be the worst daughter in the world at times and not really show how much I appreciate everything my parents have done for me...and I'm sure there's more than I know, but I really do know that I love them and wouldn't be where I am today without them.

My wider family (especially my Auntie Stella)...Thank you for all your support with every move, every event, everything...countless letters and emails.

Naomi..."Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies". It's been 12 years...I think we've fallen out 3times...wow. You're my best friend and to say you've been supportive is an understatement. I dunno how many phonecalls I made to you from Scotland and you were there every time. I love you. Dr Pepper forever! Btw...I think Shane got the best wife in the world...you're a perfect pair.

Becca and Rebecca...how many miles apart are we and we're still in touch. Thanks for sticking by me and making everything a little more bearable. I miss you guys!!

Rob, Courtney, Cheryl, Racquel, Rob and Shawn...I love you guys. No one could ask for a better group of friends. You're my ongoing support through a lot of hard stuff. When I sent that one email to Andrew to get involved in a small group I didn't realise quite what I'd let myself in for...but I would never in a million years take it back. I'm so glad you're my friends and my family.

To all my friends in between...too many to mention individually. I love you all for everything you've done and all the help you've been. From just listening, to helping me, to making me laugh and challenging me.

To Ben...Thank you for letting me be your mommy. Thank you for forcing me to grow up and for shaping who I am. I love you and can't wait to watch you grow into an even more amazing person. You are everything to me.

To God...Thank you for never giving up on me even though I wandered far away from you. Thank you for blessing me with so many amazing people in my life and for giving me some of the greatest gifts I've ever received. Thank you for being my strength and carrying me through the hard stuff. Thank you for your never ending love.

Adieu.

Going up?

Ok so I'm not a big fan of elevators. I'm kind of scared of getting trapped in one and it being small and confined and there being no way out. I have a kind of phobia of being trapped...ok, a deifnate phobia. Well today was kind of like the elevator world threw all it's best stuff at me...

Firstly there was 'the pacer'. These are people who pace up and down the elevator while it moves. They seem nervous which in turn makes me feel more nervous. Why are they pacing in the first place...it doesn't make it go any faster and it's a small space so where are they pacing to? They only have about a metre and a half to walk up and down. I think it's kind of rude too because they don't really leave any room for anyone else so you're stuck in a corner in an already small space not knowing if the elevator will make it to your floor where you can get out and find air...sweet lovely open spaced air.

Secondly there was the fire retardent blankets. These coverings just serve to make the elevator seem smaller and they cover the buttons so you need to push them out of the way to find the buttons and then hold them back while all the other people press them too. To add to this whole situation someone in our building ever so nicely writes 'good' on them (apart from one where someone mispelled it and wrote 'God'). I mean what happens if you get in and one says 'bad' it's not like you can escape anywhere. You're just a person stuck in a small space with a defective blanket. Why do they feel the need to inform us as to whether they're good or bad...I'd rather live in blissful ignorance.

Thirdly there was the emergency phone. So I get into the elevator (bearing in mind I had already experienced 1 and 2) and the box is open for the emergency phone. This starts sending off alarm bells in my head. Why is this open??? Did someone have to use it??? Am I going to end up stuck in an elevator on my own and use this push button thingy ma doofer??? I'm not a big fan of phones either if I don't know the person....which is weird...a large part of my job is to answer the phone and make calls. I always trip over my words and sound like an idiot...I do that in elevators too. I need to pay more attention to the floors and the up and down arrows.

I just don't like elevators. Why can't we use stairs. It would help combat some of the weight problems that currently exist if we made everyone take the stairs instead of locking them and only using them for fires. I mean what's the point in that! Meh stupid elevators....please work.

My Lucky Number 7

Today I am the proud owner of a 4 year old.

As of 7.43am my little guy is 4.

Whoever told you that looked good...they lied.

So I'm driving into work today and I turn to my left and see the woman in the car next to me wearing a sun visor and sunglasses with the sun visor of the car pulled down (and it was dull outside)...excessive much. I really thought sun visors died out in the early 90s. They're one of those trends that should be put in a box somewhere and shipped to a remote island with speedos and leg warmers. Very few people actually suit them. They should only be used by golfers or tennis players.

It's not really the sun visor as such I have a problem with. For instance, I googled 'tasteful sun visors' and that picture is what came up. True story. I have no idea how that's in any way, shape or form 'tasteful'. The description was even better...'Bright colored balloons are set against a black background in this lighthearted sun visor that makes a great accessory for outdoor parties.' Outdoor parties...what are you going as...the clown? I mean seriously what outfit could someone put together that would possibly match such a hideous creation. I also googled ugly tacky sun visors...it's worrying there's a market for those...there was A LOT of applique.

Men also tend to suit them more. Although I might be basing this on the women with big hair who seem to style their hair around the sun visor. Think Dallas hair with a ledge. I even found a website that offers women a strapless sunvisor to reduce the risk of 'sunvisor headache'...seriously what is with that??? Why are you wearing something that gives you a headache? I mean, it's not like shoes where you suffer through the pain for the sake of fashion. Sun visors are not fashionable! The website also stated they were 'proudly made in the USA'...really, it's not proud of you.

However while women with big hair (which the woman this morning had) look like they've added a place for a bird to sit, I think one of the worst offenders of the sun visor trend is undoubtedly the people (primarily guys) who seem to think it's cool to wear it upside down. Why? What purpose could that possible serve. They're meant to shade your eyes from the sun...what are you doing with them? You don't look good. You just look like you can't dress yourself or, more likely, are an idiot. What happens when it rains? Are you trying to conserve water on your head for later?...I just don't get it.

The people who wear these without good cause (i.e not for sports) or don't suit them should be shipped off to live somewhere where they can contain their bad taste (or in some cases plain stupid taste). We could create a kind of colony of bad taste to contain fashion faux pas that people refuse to give up. Like old fat men who wear speedos and thongs, 80 year old women with boob jobs who wear bikinis, no one needs or wants to see that! We can also include people who still think shell suits are fashionable, people who wear high heeled caterpillar/timberland style boots, and women who insist that skin tight sliver jump suits can cross over into fashion...not happening. Oh and the women who think it's still cute to wear bright pink furry, with glitter thread, leg warmers....my ex flat mate had a pair...hideous....you're not 8 years old, by now you should have taste.

Just my opinion....but come on look at the balloon sun visor...would you wear it?!!?