Hold My Heart

Every time I log on to facebook or some such thing there's always people posting youtube links to their favourite song or their song of the day. I never usually do this...note I said USUALLY...yep you know what's coming.

So I was my car on my way to work and going through my cds trying to find something to listen to. I haven't had the easiest time recently and I came across a cd that always kind of makes me feel good. It has a song which I love...well a few of them but this one in particular.

On that note I give you Tenth Avenue North with 'Hold my Heart' :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUCsMNE7yaw

How long must I pray, must I pray to you?

How long must I wait, must I wait for you?

How long 'til I see your face, see you shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging you to notice me.

I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.

Cause I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me

I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, You're promises remain

I can't sleep but I'll take my chance to hear You call my name

To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breakin' heart

One light that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Won't You come close and hold my heart

Hold my heart, could You hold my heart?

Hold my heart.

What's in a flower?

When I was younger on T.V. back home there were these terrible drinking and driving advertisements. Apparently they did their job as they will probably be forever etched on my memory (along with the anti terrorism ones...I can never listen to that song 'the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon' now). There was one of the driving ads which had the song playing 'you don't bring me flowers anymore'. I remember the song and the advertisement very well. Anyway, when I hear that song I think of two things...one is the advertisement....pretty effective over 10 years later. The other is a little sadder for me.

I was explaining this week that when someone gives me flowers I get a little emotional. I try hard to make sure they don't know this and swallow the hard lump in my throat...it would kind of be embarrassing to be all teary eyed when someone gives you flowers. The reason behind the emotion stems from my ex. During the 3 years we were together I really wanted him to buy me flowers. Every Valentine's Day, Birthday, Anniversary and Mother's Day I sat and watched everyone else around me get flowers from their other halves but I never got them. In 3 years I received flowers 3 times.

Once was our first valentines day and they were a bunch of 6 minitures roses from tescos supermarket (you know the ones that if you buy them late enough at night they cost 1GBP). The second time I actually picked flowers up and told him he was paying for them....then he complained that they looked dead because they started to droop...only because they were tulips (which he never realised or cared is my favourite flower). The last time was our first and last wedding anniversary...and my boss and one of our work collegues told him to get them for me. He got my white stargazer lillies...from tescos. I don't really like stargazer lillies because of the orange pollen which stains...it made it worse when he yelled at me for him rubbing up against them.

It's funny how something so simple can make someone so happy. It wasn't that he refused to buy them because they were flowers and died. It was the fact that he refused to buy them because I wanted them. It hurt a lot. I put up with the crap presents from tescos (guys take note never buy your wife an oven mit) or the cds that weren't even my taste that I had to pretend I liked (Also note - Deftones and Katie Melua are not even in the same genre). Every time it came to giving a present there was just so little thought or effort. It built up into a general hurt and soreness when events came. The presents themselves didn't matter as such...it was the lack of caring and the refusal to just do the one thing I wanted.

It probably sounds stupid to most people but now I get that little lump in my throat when people give me flowers. Not because I don't love them...because I do...a lot...but because there's still that little bit of hurt even after 3 years have past. They symbolize a little something more to me.

Dr Ben is Accepting New Patients...

So this week has been kind of interesting. I'm still in pain...thankfully it's fading and I've stopped walking with what can only be described as looking like a pregnancy waddle. It's awful...I'm getting paranoid that after having put on weight people will actually think I'm pregnant! It's not good. Had a couple of truly horrible days where the pain was just really intense. My little monster during this time has been extremely sweet and amusing. He's decided that as my parents have been away all week and he is the man of the house that it is his job to take care of me. Monster has this idea in his head that I have no one to take care of me and that it is his responsibility. It is quite sad that he thinks about it but it is also incredibly sweet. He is a very thoughtful wee soul.

So this week I have been getting taken care of in a very sweet and, at times, a very interesting way. So this is Dr Ben's breakdown of how to take care of one 'very old girl'...

1-Rub patients head every day, numerous times a day. Even if the pain is no where near the head. The benefits of this are 3 fold...1, get a lot of praise for doing this, 2, can turn it into a game to see how much make up you can rub off, 3 get to restyle patients hair to the way you want to make her look 'pretty'.

2- Rub patients tummy. This shows you're listening to the patient about the pain.

3 - Climb on top of patient to ensure patient is not asleep because you put Batman on for the patient to enjoy and you don't want her to miss the best part.

4 - Lie on top of patient. This keeps her warm...bonus if you can get up without kicking her in the tummy although admittedly more fun.

5 - Tell patient she looks very pretty...this helps with acquiring more candy.

And lastly my favourite of the bunch...

6 - When unable to sleep climb into bed with patient and wrap arms around patients waist. Enough said.

Monster has been keeping me highly amused all week. We've had numerous benisms.

While waiting at the front door for 5 minutes after having put on snow apparel

"Mommy hurry up I've been waiting here for a whole hour!"

While watching Max and Ruby

"Ruby looks funny and like a bunny" *looks at me* *looks at her* *looks at me* "She looks like you"

While watching the Justice League

"I'm gonna be Batman because he's cool and gooder. You can be that one (Martian Hunter) he looks weird and only wears underpants"

"Mommy, Isabelle said a naughty word"

"Oh really...what did she say?"

"She said 'toot'"

"Well Ben that's not really a bad word but it's just not very nice to tell people you did it"

"Yeah...I say it all the time"

"Mommy I don't want to grow up...when you grow up you forget everything like you. But I'm little and I remember EVERYTHING!"

"No kidding"

"When I grow up I'm gonna marry granny"

"I don't think you can...they don't really allow things like that"

"But why...she knows how to play Batman..."

"Deck the Halls with Halle Berry"...Ben

Sorry for my terribly bad efforts at updating this. Life got REALLY hectic. The tradeshow went really well. Got some great feedback and also did another little Christmas party where everyone had an opportunity to shop. My surgery was postponed again...this time it was kind of my fault. It went ahead on the 5th so I'm still in pain :( Since it was postponed my family decided we'd disappear down to the states for another visit to Dutch Wonderland (and no, there are no clog rides...I hear hear the disappointment already). For anyone with little rabid monsters who are about 3+ in age then it is well worth a visit. More so in the summer admittedly...it's a little cold and I was shivering under my yoga pants and ski coat. The great thing about this place is that it is primarily rides that all kids can go on....unlike Canada's Wonderland. Ben had a great time AND the best bit...it's opposite outlet malls. See what I did there...I found an activity for everyone in the family. You can make the kids behave while shopping by saying if they're good then you'll take them. The chance to escape from everything was great.

This year, surgery or not, I was determined that I was having Christmas dinner at my house...since this would be the first year. Yes, while some might call this idea stupid I prefer to think of it as brave determination. Not only was I going to attempt to cook Christmas dinner but I was going to do the appetitizer and dessert. Go me! I should probably point out that my dad had very nicely volunteered to do the turkey for me. I'll admit it...the prospect of dealing with a bird like that kind of scares me. They include yukkie stuff like giblets...why would anyone want that?!!? I spent the week leading up to Christmas baking like a crazy woman. I was trying to find unique Christmas gifts for my parents this year and since they moved here 5 years ago they have complained about the fact that mince pies and shortbread here just don;t taste as good as at home. So I looked up some ...U.K recipes and got to work.

I made some mince meat...with some extra brandy since I made it sans suet...I was over compensating like how small men do with big cars....and it was another ick point for me. The large quantity I made proved very useful. I churned out some all butter shortbread, which me being me couldn't just be normal, so each piece was shaped like a star...a very sugary star (note to self keep away from Ben). I also made some Toblerone fudge...all I can say is...my parents were lucky it made it to them and I have now rejoined the gym. I am thanful I don't like cheesecake otherwise I'd have scoffed the white chocolate and mint baileys one I made as well! The pitfall of baking is wanting to eat it all...or 'testing' as I like to call it. I think perhaps my most sucessful venture of the baking explosion/bombsite was teh mince pies. I decide to try 'deep fill' ...all I can say is they looked like mini pies and felt like rocks. Apparently they were tasty but they were so heavy. I thought my parents might actually think I'd put coal in a tin and given it to them.

I also attempted to recreate my Auntie's Christmas cake. Now, I have to explain that I have no idea how on earth she does this or what laws of gravity she manages to go against to create shuch an amazing feat of engineering. The icing on this cake is literally and an inch and a half to two inches thick and rock solid. When my mum asled what she used my Auntie told her royal icing and water that was all (I swear there is cement or mortar or something else in there). I should also point out that my Aunt makes the most amazing shortbread and caramel squares (ohhh caramelt squares...I should've made those...dammit!!). She like the supreme baker so by trying to imitate her baking....well I was pretty much doomed to failure. I would love at this point to be able to tell you that I made the most amazing cake covered in white icing which sat in peaks and defies all laws of gravity...but instead I made a cake where the icing ran off not just the cake but the plate as well...kind of like paint. It looked like some icing beast had vomited sugar over it. I swear there is some secret ingredient she is witholding from me...starch?!?! I have no idea...I'm starting to think there's a ratio of 1 bag of royal icing to 1 teaspoon of water. You might think I'm over reacting to this loss of icing sugar greatness...but honestly...this stuff is amazing. It's the kind of icing you could break your teeth on...wait...I think I might be drooling right now...no...no...we're ok.

So I'm adding this to my bucket list...learn to make Auntie Stella's icing....no easy feat at all clearly.