'I have your heart mommy'...'yes you do'

Recently my parents, myself and my son took a trip home to see my family. It was so nice to get to see everyone again as I hadn't been home in about 4 and a half years and it was nice to let Ben see some of Ireland as we went around the family. The trip was great (especially since I don't know how long it will be until I get to go back) and nice to get away from some snow! There were a few yuk moments with flight delays...I do believe Newark is the worst airport for connections ever. Also we had puke fountain on a flight with Ben...chocolate milk is not something you want to see come back up!

I think the trip was much needed after a pretty gross start to the year with surgeries and work. It was weird to go back and see how much has changed. My favourite coffee shop I frequented with friends every week is gone :( It's been replaced with another but to be honest it's just not the same. Where I used to live has totally changed into what would appear to be cut price shops and Belfast has totally come alive with the new Victoria Square shopping centre. It didn't really feel like home anymore. It was weird how much everyone's accents stood out to me (as I got teased for my dodgy one) and how I didn't recognises peoples voices anymore. I guess it kind of hit me that Canada is my home now and not Ireland anymore.

I wish the stay had been longer so that I could've managed to see more people and do more. The time just seemed to fly in. It was a bit sad to leave again...and leave all the yummy food behind (oh how I miss decent chocolate!!). I love my life in Canada though so I think it helped cement the fact that I wouldn't want to live there again.

Unfortunately when I came back I got an earful from my ex about how I was in the U.K and didn't tell him for him to come over. Then I got an email from his mum (after he'd given her my email address) calling me cruel and despicable...a bit rich considering what her son has done to me and Ben. I think it says a lot when you're turning 35 and you get your mum to email and chastise...especially when she doesn't email any other time. Oh and suggesting I send my ex fathers day, birthday and Christmas cards from Ben as it's my 'responsibility'. Hmmm.

Anyway...to give a glimpse of my home...

We Need a Whizz-a-ma-doodle!

Yesterday I decided to have an adventure with my ferocious beastie and also attempt to grow his knowledge...a little unsuccessfully. We jumped in the car and went into Toronto...somewhere I realised yesterday my son has only been twice. Our little adventure took us to the ROM which we had never been to before despite my love of museums. I don't get to go to museums that much anymore because my monster's attention span lasts about 5 seconds....then he wants to run through the halls. So I thought that since he's now 5 maybe we could advance past the science centre to somewhere mommy would love.

The ROM is an amazing building and if I'd had the time I'd have taken longer to absorb some of the architecture...however ferocious pestered me from the moment we went in to 'go to the kid's section!?!?'. I got a brief look around the section on China before we were off like bullets to see dinosaurs. Ferocious beastie suddenly didn't feel quite so ferocious when he saw the size of these magnificent beasts. They were pretty amazing...and true to the promise we went to the kiddies section where he got to wear goggles and brush off bones.

When he had brushed off enough of the bones to realise he was uncovering a dinosaur...and after a larger boy had stood on his foot which hampered ferocious from continuing...we moved on to the next section where I came face to face with a horrendous beast...a massive catfish. They say 'life size' but what they really mean in 3 times this so called 'life size'. In my haste to escape I nearly tripped over feriocous and walked into a little old lady. It was not my finest moment. I did however manage to grab ferocious' attention with some dead mice, chipmunks and bats. The bats were pretty awesome and in some cases fairly ugly...and yes I'm pretty sure they felt the same way about me. And so we entered 'the bat cave'...infact we entered it 6 times just to be sure that it was indeed awesome. It was and it was also ferocious' favourite part.

I did pretty well...minus the 'life size' catfish. I avoided the bird section...which I'm sorry but who really wants to be surrounded by lots of birds suspended in mid air...Alfred Hitchcock eat your heart out! We made our way back to the stairs which have this amazing rhino right at the top going into another section. It looked so cool...I really wanted to go see it...then just as I suggested it I saw out of the corner of my eye what I can only describe as my own personal hell. Lurking there in the background suspended from the ceiling looking straight at me like it knew....a massive fish...and I do mean massive. Oh yes....the ROM has a fish section. All it would need is some flames and a red man with a pointy stick and I would literally be in my own personal version of hell on earth. These are not even like the catfish...they are not 'life size' (x3...by the way I literally do air quotes there)...these are like 6ft by 3ft giant monsters! Needless to say I told Ben that we were actually in the best place to observe the rhino and that the rest of that section was just more 'boring mommy things'...yes, yes I lied but really I don't want 50 strangers to see me crying and gripped with fear stuck to the spot. Plus Ben has learnt to well from me and my mum and would probably stand and point and laugh.

After not being allowed to look at anything more than the armour section we left and headed to get some food. After we encountered a man who smelt like pee being forced out of the shopping centre connected to the car park I embarked on the adventure to find the parking ticket pay booth thingy ma bobber. I had to go and ask information...because you really can't take me anywhere...I am useless at finding things. I manage to get the machine to take my ticket...the people in front had bigger problems which made me feel infinitely better....yes, I rejoice in other people's stupidity. We're walking to the car and there's this nice shiny blue lancer sitting and monster says 'there's our car'...to which I respond 'no...our car isn't that clean'...'oh yeah...it's THAT lancer...mommy you need a car wash' (he says with total distaste).

I manage to work out what way to drive out of the underground car park...which for me is quite miraculous I could do that in less than 10minutes....the whole time being told the benefits of a carwash from the back seat. Just as I'm putting the ticket in the machine I hear the phrase come from the back which reminds me why I love my son more than anything else on this earth....

"HEY MOMMY...WE NEED A WHIZZ-A-MA-DOODLE!?!?"

"What's a whizz-a-ma-doodle?"

"It's a machine that you drive into and it pushes really hard and steam comes out and it blasts you out way into the sky and sends you to a carwash where you can get your car cleaned"

"Yup...clearly I need a whizz-a-ma-doodle"

"....and a carwash mommy"

Hold My Heart

Every time I log on to facebook or some such thing there's always people posting youtube links to their favourite song or their song of the day. I never usually do this...note I said USUALLY...yep you know what's coming.

So I was my car on my way to work and going through my cds trying to find something to listen to. I haven't had the easiest time recently and I came across a cd that always kind of makes me feel good. It has a song which I love...well a few of them but this one in particular.

On that note I give you Tenth Avenue North with 'Hold my Heart' :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUCsMNE7yaw

How long must I pray, must I pray to you?

How long must I wait, must I wait for you?

How long 'til I see your face, see you shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging you to notice me.

I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.

Cause I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me

I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, You're promises remain

I can't sleep but I'll take my chance to hear You call my name

To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breakin' heart

One light that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Won't You come close and hold my heart

Hold my heart, could You hold my heart?

Hold my heart.

What's in a flower?

When I was younger on T.V. back home there were these terrible drinking and driving advertisements. Apparently they did their job as they will probably be forever etched on my memory (along with the anti terrorism ones...I can never listen to that song 'the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon' now). There was one of the driving ads which had the song playing 'you don't bring me flowers anymore'. I remember the song and the advertisement very well. Anyway, when I hear that song I think of two things...one is the advertisement....pretty effective over 10 years later. The other is a little sadder for me.

I was explaining this week that when someone gives me flowers I get a little emotional. I try hard to make sure they don't know this and swallow the hard lump in my throat...it would kind of be embarrassing to be all teary eyed when someone gives you flowers. The reason behind the emotion stems from my ex. During the 3 years we were together I really wanted him to buy me flowers. Every Valentine's Day, Birthday, Anniversary and Mother's Day I sat and watched everyone else around me get flowers from their other halves but I never got them. In 3 years I received flowers 3 times.

Once was our first valentines day and they were a bunch of 6 minitures roses from tescos supermarket (you know the ones that if you buy them late enough at night they cost 1GBP). The second time I actually picked flowers up and told him he was paying for them....then he complained that they looked dead because they started to droop...only because they were tulips (which he never realised or cared is my favourite flower). The last time was our first and last wedding anniversary...and my boss and one of our work collegues told him to get them for me. He got my white stargazer lillies...from tescos. I don't really like stargazer lillies because of the orange pollen which stains...it made it worse when he yelled at me for him rubbing up against them.

It's funny how something so simple can make someone so happy. It wasn't that he refused to buy them because they were flowers and died. It was the fact that he refused to buy them because I wanted them. It hurt a lot. I put up with the crap presents from tescos (guys take note never buy your wife an oven mit) or the cds that weren't even my taste that I had to pretend I liked (Also note - Deftones and Katie Melua are not even in the same genre). Every time it came to giving a present there was just so little thought or effort. It built up into a general hurt and soreness when events came. The presents themselves didn't matter as such...it was the lack of caring and the refusal to just do the one thing I wanted.

It probably sounds stupid to most people but now I get that little lump in my throat when people give me flowers. Not because I don't love them...because I do...a lot...but because there's still that little bit of hurt even after 3 years have past. They symbolize a little something more to me.

Dr Ben is Accepting New Patients...

So this week has been kind of interesting. I'm still in pain...thankfully it's fading and I've stopped walking with what can only be described as looking like a pregnancy waddle. It's awful...I'm getting paranoid that after having put on weight people will actually think I'm pregnant! It's not good. Had a couple of truly horrible days where the pain was just really intense. My little monster during this time has been extremely sweet and amusing. He's decided that as my parents have been away all week and he is the man of the house that it is his job to take care of me. Monster has this idea in his head that I have no one to take care of me and that it is his responsibility. It is quite sad that he thinks about it but it is also incredibly sweet. He is a very thoughtful wee soul.

So this week I have been getting taken care of in a very sweet and, at times, a very interesting way. So this is Dr Ben's breakdown of how to take care of one 'very old girl'...

1-Rub patients head every day, numerous times a day. Even if the pain is no where near the head. The benefits of this are 3 fold...1, get a lot of praise for doing this, 2, can turn it into a game to see how much make up you can rub off, 3 get to restyle patients hair to the way you want to make her look 'pretty'.

2- Rub patients tummy. This shows you're listening to the patient about the pain.

3 - Climb on top of patient to ensure patient is not asleep because you put Batman on for the patient to enjoy and you don't want her to miss the best part.

4 - Lie on top of patient. This keeps her warm...bonus if you can get up without kicking her in the tummy although admittedly more fun.

5 - Tell patient she looks very pretty...this helps with acquiring more candy.

And lastly my favourite of the bunch...

6 - When unable to sleep climb into bed with patient and wrap arms around patients waist. Enough said.

Monster has been keeping me highly amused all week. We've had numerous benisms.

While waiting at the front door for 5 minutes after having put on snow apparel

"Mommy hurry up I've been waiting here for a whole hour!"

While watching Max and Ruby

"Ruby looks funny and like a bunny" *looks at me* *looks at her* *looks at me* "She looks like you"

While watching the Justice League

"I'm gonna be Batman because he's cool and gooder. You can be that one (Martian Hunter) he looks weird and only wears underpants"

"Mommy, Isabelle said a naughty word"

"Oh really...what did she say?"

"She said 'toot'"

"Well Ben that's not really a bad word but it's just not very nice to tell people you did it"

"Yeah...I say it all the time"

"Mommy I don't want to grow up...when you grow up you forget everything like you. But I'm little and I remember EVERYTHING!"

"No kidding"

"When I grow up I'm gonna marry granny"

"I don't think you can...they don't really allow things like that"

"But why...she knows how to play Batman..."

"Deck the Halls with Halle Berry"...Ben

Sorry for my terribly bad efforts at updating this. Life got REALLY hectic. The tradeshow went really well. Got some great feedback and also did another little Christmas party where everyone had an opportunity to shop. My surgery was postponed again...this time it was kind of my fault. It went ahead on the 5th so I'm still in pain :( Since it was postponed my family decided we'd disappear down to the states for another visit to Dutch Wonderland (and no, there are no clog rides...I hear hear the disappointment already). For anyone with little rabid monsters who are about 3+ in age then it is well worth a visit. More so in the summer admittedly...it's a little cold and I was shivering under my yoga pants and ski coat. The great thing about this place is that it is primarily rides that all kids can go on....unlike Canada's Wonderland. Ben had a great time AND the best bit...it's opposite outlet malls. See what I did there...I found an activity for everyone in the family. You can make the kids behave while shopping by saying if they're good then you'll take them. The chance to escape from everything was great.

This year, surgery or not, I was determined that I was having Christmas dinner at my house...since this would be the first year. Yes, while some might call this idea stupid I prefer to think of it as brave determination. Not only was I going to attempt to cook Christmas dinner but I was going to do the appetitizer and dessert. Go me! I should probably point out that my dad had very nicely volunteered to do the turkey for me. I'll admit it...the prospect of dealing with a bird like that kind of scares me. They include yukkie stuff like giblets...why would anyone want that?!!? I spent the week leading up to Christmas baking like a crazy woman. I was trying to find unique Christmas gifts for my parents this year and since they moved here 5 years ago they have complained about the fact that mince pies and shortbread here just don;t taste as good as at home. So I looked up some ...U.K recipes and got to work.

I made some mince meat...with some extra brandy since I made it sans suet...I was over compensating like how small men do with big cars....and it was another ick point for me. The large quantity I made proved very useful. I churned out some all butter shortbread, which me being me couldn't just be normal, so each piece was shaped like a star...a very sugary star (note to self keep away from Ben). I also made some Toblerone fudge...all I can say is...my parents were lucky it made it to them and I have now rejoined the gym. I am thanful I don't like cheesecake otherwise I'd have scoffed the white chocolate and mint baileys one I made as well! The pitfall of baking is wanting to eat it all...or 'testing' as I like to call it. I think perhaps my most sucessful venture of the baking explosion/bombsite was teh mince pies. I decide to try 'deep fill' ...all I can say is they looked like mini pies and felt like rocks. Apparently they were tasty but they were so heavy. I thought my parents might actually think I'd put coal in a tin and given it to them.

I also attempted to recreate my Auntie's Christmas cake. Now, I have to explain that I have no idea how on earth she does this or what laws of gravity she manages to go against to create shuch an amazing feat of engineering. The icing on this cake is literally and an inch and a half to two inches thick and rock solid. When my mum asled what she used my Auntie told her royal icing and water that was all (I swear there is cement or mortar or something else in there). I should also point out that my Aunt makes the most amazing shortbread and caramel squares (ohhh caramelt squares...I should've made those...dammit!!). She like the supreme baker so by trying to imitate her baking....well I was pretty much doomed to failure. I would love at this point to be able to tell you that I made the most amazing cake covered in white icing which sat in peaks and defies all laws of gravity...but instead I made a cake where the icing ran off not just the cake but the plate as well...kind of like paint. It looked like some icing beast had vomited sugar over it. I swear there is some secret ingredient she is witholding from me...starch?!?! I have no idea...I'm starting to think there's a ratio of 1 bag of royal icing to 1 teaspoon of water. You might think I'm over reacting to this loss of icing sugar greatness...but honestly...this stuff is amazing. It's the kind of icing you could break your teeth on...wait...I think I might be drooling right now...no...no...we're ok.

So I'm adding this to my bucket list...learn to make Auntie Stella's icing....no easy feat at all clearly.

The Butterfly in the Jar

This has been one busy week. I had a sudden realisation that I’m really running out of time for the upcoming tradeshow...eek! Next Saturday on the 20th is the Marmee’s Circle ‘She Made It’ Tradeshow.

I literally do not think there is enough hours in my day! I have to squeeze in work, my little monster and all his copious amounts of cuddles (it’s so fuppin cute ‘Mommy, I love you all day long’), making cards and things for the tradeshow, eating and fitting in the gym. I think I’m meant to fit sleep in there too. My living room has pretty much become a room full of paper poppies and cards. It’s cute but I have so much work to do!! I am working my fingers to the bone...in a way literally since my wrists now click when I’m manipulating paper. Not good but all for the love of a paper poppy!

Time seems to be rapidly escaping me at the minute. I honestly find it hard to believe nearly a whole year has passed. It’s been a busy year for us and we’ve had A LOT happen. Last month on the 19th marked my third year living in Canada. It’s kind of weird because in a way it feels like I’ve lived here for a lot longer and in others I feel like I’ve just arrived. Life has been full of many twists and turns since 2007 and now in 2010 I feel like in a way I have arrived. Not fully...because if you ever say you’ve arrived I think you’re stunting yourself from everything that life has to offer. To me I’ve arrived at a point where I am generally happy and where I want to be. 2010 marked the year monster and I eventually moved into our own place and he eventually had a proper decent sized bedroom of his own. Which, to him was a pretty big deal. My parents had lovingly put both of us up for over two years and taken care of me and Ben while I stumbled to find my feet again and get my life back on track. They deserve an award for that one!

This year has had some other pretty big events. Ben started school for the first time and seems to be doing really well. I just need to work out how to get him to sit still for more than 1 second so he can sit at circle in school without fidgeting. That is one thing I have worked out this year, my son is more like me than I would’ve ever though. He fidgets, loves people, loves adventures, is point blank stubborn and is rebellious over pretty much everything. We butt heads but he’s so much fun. As he’s getting older I’m loving seeing who he is becoming. He turned a mighty 5 this year...I wanted to cry...when did he get so big! I turned 25...I wanted to cry when I realised I can no longer say ‘when I grow up...’ because technically I already have!

A rather massive event for me rather than Ben is that on December 26th 2010 (yep...Boxing day) will mark three years since Ben’s dad walked out on us. This year in July our divorce was approved. I hate being 25 and being divorced... but I love that I’m free. I can sum up my marriage and how awful it was by saying it’s like a butterfly trapped in a jar. The butterfly can see everything on the outside but can’t quite reach it because it’s trapped and confined to the walls of the jar. The capturer controls what the butterfly sees, where it goes and at any point can cut the air to jar. The butterfly is merely something to be admired by other people and for the captor to display. Otherwise, its life is stunted. It’s only when the butterfly is released that you can see its true beauty and it can be free to do what it wants to do. This is not my view on all marriages...just mine.

So on a final note, to anyone in the Ajax area on Saturday 20th November get your toushies down the McLean Community Centre for a great day of crafts by female designers. ...not a plug at all :P