The Butterfly in the Jar

This has been one busy week. I had a sudden realisation that I’m really running out of time for the upcoming tradeshow...eek! Next Saturday on the 20th is the Marmee’s Circle ‘She Made It’ Tradeshow.

I literally do not think there is enough hours in my day! I have to squeeze in work, my little monster and all his copious amounts of cuddles (it’s so fuppin cute ‘Mommy, I love you all day long’), making cards and things for the tradeshow, eating and fitting in the gym. I think I’m meant to fit sleep in there too. My living room has pretty much become a room full of paper poppies and cards. It’s cute but I have so much work to do!! I am working my fingers to the bone...in a way literally since my wrists now click when I’m manipulating paper. Not good but all for the love of a paper poppy!

Time seems to be rapidly escaping me at the minute. I honestly find it hard to believe nearly a whole year has passed. It’s been a busy year for us and we’ve had A LOT happen. Last month on the 19th marked my third year living in Canada. It’s kind of weird because in a way it feels like I’ve lived here for a lot longer and in others I feel like I’ve just arrived. Life has been full of many twists and turns since 2007 and now in 2010 I feel like in a way I have arrived. Not fully...because if you ever say you’ve arrived I think you’re stunting yourself from everything that life has to offer. To me I’ve arrived at a point where I am generally happy and where I want to be. 2010 marked the year monster and I eventually moved into our own place and he eventually had a proper decent sized bedroom of his own. Which, to him was a pretty big deal. My parents had lovingly put both of us up for over two years and taken care of me and Ben while I stumbled to find my feet again and get my life back on track. They deserve an award for that one!

This year has had some other pretty big events. Ben started school for the first time and seems to be doing really well. I just need to work out how to get him to sit still for more than 1 second so he can sit at circle in school without fidgeting. That is one thing I have worked out this year, my son is more like me than I would’ve ever though. He fidgets, loves people, loves adventures, is point blank stubborn and is rebellious over pretty much everything. We butt heads but he’s so much fun. As he’s getting older I’m loving seeing who he is becoming. He turned a mighty 5 this year...I wanted to cry...when did he get so big! I turned 25...I wanted to cry when I realised I can no longer say ‘when I grow up...’ because technically I already have!

A rather massive event for me rather than Ben is that on December 26th 2010 (yep...Boxing day) will mark three years since Ben’s dad walked out on us. This year in July our divorce was approved. I hate being 25 and being divorced... but I love that I’m free. I can sum up my marriage and how awful it was by saying it’s like a butterfly trapped in a jar. The butterfly can see everything on the outside but can’t quite reach it because it’s trapped and confined to the walls of the jar. The capturer controls what the butterfly sees, where it goes and at any point can cut the air to jar. The butterfly is merely something to be admired by other people and for the captor to display. Otherwise, its life is stunted. It’s only when the butterfly is released that you can see its true beauty and it can be free to do what it wants to do. This is not my view on all marriages...just mine.

So on a final note, to anyone in the Ajax area on Saturday 20th November get your toushies down the McLean Community Centre for a great day of crafts by female designers. ...not a plug at all :P

My mum's hugs are the best medicine.

At the minute my life is a little jam packed and to be honest my emotions are a little out there in the abyss. I never used to be a particularly emotional person...well I would say I wasn’t. I didn’t cry at sad movies (except Bambi...which if you don’t cry at really you have no heart or a really strong resolve) and the small stuff didn’t bother me so much. I hated being separated from my mum for any sort of period of time when I was younger...I guess to an extent I maybe still do since I call her every day...more than once.

I remember three distinct times when I did get really upset before I hit 18. My granny died suddenly...that was a complete shock and I still miss her. I miss her baking and that she made me a sheet cake every birthday that mum and I would decorate. I miss the buns she made in two halves that she would send home with us on Sundays and mum would stick together with jam and decorate with icing and sprinkles...then mum would let me lick the spoon from the icing. I DO NOT miss having to eat the disgusting chewy sausage rolls she’d give us on Sundays. I miss her hugs a lot and going to stay with her once in a while. She was a great person that I would love to be like. The woman chased a guy down that tried to steal her handbag when she was in her 70s!! Who wouldn’t want to be like that!!

Secondly, I remember getting upset when our family cat got put down because he had heart disease and could barely walk. He was a little fighter and I miss how much he hated me for trying to hold him. I remember far too well being upset when I was bullied at school. Most kids were bullied so I wasn’t quite so out there on my own. I was more upset and did used to cry when it was a teacher doing it...only to have my school tell me later when I did eventually send them a letter regarding her behaviour that it was meant to be constructive. I have no idea how telling a 14 year old that she wasn’t pretty and wouldn’t amount to anything was ‘constructive’. Unfortunately for me I let her comments and loathing glances follow me through my life like an elephant in the room. Between the ages of 13 and 18 she had systematically shattered any self confidence and self worth I had. So I went through life making a series of bad decisions thinking that really I could do no better than this. It is unfortunately a sad abuse of power by someone who had so many of their own problems. I’m now 25 and am finally gaining some of my own confidence and self worth again.

I cried when I walked away from my parents at the airport in Canada when they moved here and I left them to go home...I looked like an eejit but I didn’t want to go. I cried when I got back. The distance felt so large but thankfully it wasn’t. I missed not having my mum close by and I missed her hugs. I’m thankful I had skype and a mum who was always available for a chat. I’m thankful I have her 2 minutes down the road for what is seriously the best hug you will ever get. I cried a lot during my marriage. I cried over how low I felt and how he made me feel and why I didn’t seem to ever be good enough at anything I did no matter how hard I was trying. Everything he was doing made me cry. I cried at how tired I was all the time. It was during this time that I turned into an emotional wreck...from just before my parents left until a while after my ex husband left.

I don’t think I ever really recovered on the emotional stakes in some ways. I cry more...I don’t like it. However, I do have a higher resolve and am more passive over some things. I’ve come a long way since I was 18 and I’ve rebuilt my life since my ex. I do things because I have to and not always because I want to. I am happier now than I have been before. Recently, as I had said before I received some bad news health wise. I have to go for a couple of pretty horrible procedures. I’m not liking it and nor do I want to do it. Unfortunately I have no choice. The experience has made me a bit emotional about it all. I originally planned to keep the whole thing pretty quiet until I talked to my mum. She told me that the more people that know means the more people that can pray. She is right and I know I’m in good hands and that everything in life happens for a reason and has a purpose. I just would like to skip over it with people though because when people know, they want to hug me (I LOVE hugs)...then I want to cry. I know people say crying is good for you...but I’d like my more non emotional days back. Maybe this is part of being weathered as you get older. I wish I could be more like my mum or my granny...I grew up with great women who are so strong. Neither of them ever seem (or seemed) to sweat the small stuff and stood their ground. I think sometimes I need to take a leaf out of their books the most in life...it might help.

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Great time to buy for next year!!

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Trick or Treat

It’s been a pretty busy weekend. Ben had a birthday party at Chuck E Cheeses on Saturday for the afternoon so I had to run out that morning and find a present, card and wrapping paper which wasn’t Christmas since that’s all I have. However before that I had to go sign up with the gym because I am determined to lose that 27lbs I gained and also to just get fit....ask me in a month if I’m still so determined...

Now as most people who know me can tell you, me and kids are kind of hit and miss. I LOVE my own and have a ton of fun with him but generally I’m really not a kid kind of person. I do appear to be like a child magnet at times...it’s nearly like they sense it. So I have one child...I’m used to one child. So you can imagine how scary walking into a room full of a hundred sugar filled hyper kids is. Wow...I did not realise it was possible to scream/shout/yell that loud. There appeared to be around 6 birthday parties going on alongside the normal customers. Parents walking around looking bored out of their tree or telling their child to be patient and wait...which didn’t work.
Now I did consider Chuck E Cheese’s for Ben’s birthday party...but to be honest the cost is just so enormous. Since his dad refused to contribute in any way to the birthday party it was really just too much on my own. Well after having seen this birthday party I’m glad I didn’t. The kids had an awesome time and I’m not knocking that at all. However, the parents had clearly paid for a premium package but seemed to get treated the same way as the other groups who hadn’t. Due to their being 6 birthdays they combined the birthday songs and meeting Chuck E Cheese (which you know, seeing a fat mouse in a baseball cap is the centre of this whole thing) so each party literally got only a few minutes of mouse time. It just seemed like such a rip off for what you got. The kids did have a great time which is the point...and I had a totally knackered little boy by the end of the day. However, it reinforced that I’m glad I did Ben’s Pirate themed birthday at home...it was worth repainting a wall and having pringles smooshed into my carpet because he actually had more fun.

As everyone knows yesterday was Halloween...now I have to admit I’m not pleased it was on a Sunday and I love that our church does superhero Sunday on Halloween for the kids to still dress up in a non scary way. I’m teaching Ben this is merely a fun meaningless holiday because to me that’s what it is. The scariness and gore is meant to be fun and I want him to see it as that and nothing more. We did our trick or treating as a fireman and a black cat and he collected a lot of candy from just two streets...that’s all we do because I think that is plenty for a 5 year old. I’m teaching him it’s a fun holiday and fun to decorate for BUT the big holiday in our home is Christmas. I’m like the Christmas child...I love it. Everything about Christmas is so much fun and such a great reminder of how great that time of year is. While Ben is all chat about Santa, I do make sure he’s aware of the real reason for the season. This year because he’s older I am going to push it a lot more with him being doing some arts and crafts which relate to the Christmas story...I’ll post up anything I find useful!

For now, for anyone who doesn’t know....Lowes hold Build and Grow Clinics. These are completely free and your child learns to use a hammer. They receive and apron and goggles which they get to keep and a kit to build. Once it’s built they receive a badge to be sewn onto their apron and a certificate to say they completed it. Ben loves it! Last time he made a bat so when he got home he coloured it in. Make sure you call a week in advance to reserve your place at a 10am or 11am slot. You can find more information here -

https://www.lowesbuildandgrow.com/Home.aspx

Note online sign up is for U.S. only.

Remember to keep an eye on my other blog for updates from Lucky 7 Designs!

http://lucky7designs.blogspot.com/

http://www.lucky7designs.ca/