My mum's hugs are the best medicine.

At the minute my life is a little jam packed and to be honest my emotions are a little out there in the abyss. I never used to be a particularly emotional person...well I would say I wasn’t. I didn’t cry at sad movies (except Bambi...which if you don’t cry at really you have no heart or a really strong resolve) and the small stuff didn’t bother me so much. I hated being separated from my mum for any sort of period of time when I was younger...I guess to an extent I maybe still do since I call her every day...more than once.

I remember three distinct times when I did get really upset before I hit 18. My granny died suddenly...that was a complete shock and I still miss her. I miss her baking and that she made me a sheet cake every birthday that mum and I would decorate. I miss the buns she made in two halves that she would send home with us on Sundays and mum would stick together with jam and decorate with icing and sprinkles...then mum would let me lick the spoon from the icing. I DO NOT miss having to eat the disgusting chewy sausage rolls she’d give us on Sundays. I miss her hugs a lot and going to stay with her once in a while. She was a great person that I would love to be like. The woman chased a guy down that tried to steal her handbag when she was in her 70s!! Who wouldn’t want to be like that!!

Secondly, I remember getting upset when our family cat got put down because he had heart disease and could barely walk. He was a little fighter and I miss how much he hated me for trying to hold him. I remember far too well being upset when I was bullied at school. Most kids were bullied so I wasn’t quite so out there on my own. I was more upset and did used to cry when it was a teacher doing it...only to have my school tell me later when I did eventually send them a letter regarding her behaviour that it was meant to be constructive. I have no idea how telling a 14 year old that she wasn’t pretty and wouldn’t amount to anything was ‘constructive’. Unfortunately for me I let her comments and loathing glances follow me through my life like an elephant in the room. Between the ages of 13 and 18 she had systematically shattered any self confidence and self worth I had. So I went through life making a series of bad decisions thinking that really I could do no better than this. It is unfortunately a sad abuse of power by someone who had so many of their own problems. I’m now 25 and am finally gaining some of my own confidence and self worth again.

I cried when I walked away from my parents at the airport in Canada when they moved here and I left them to go home...I looked like an eejit but I didn’t want to go. I cried when I got back. The distance felt so large but thankfully it wasn’t. I missed not having my mum close by and I missed her hugs. I’m thankful I had skype and a mum who was always available for a chat. I’m thankful I have her 2 minutes down the road for what is seriously the best hug you will ever get. I cried a lot during my marriage. I cried over how low I felt and how he made me feel and why I didn’t seem to ever be good enough at anything I did no matter how hard I was trying. Everything he was doing made me cry. I cried at how tired I was all the time. It was during this time that I turned into an emotional wreck...from just before my parents left until a while after my ex husband left.

I don’t think I ever really recovered on the emotional stakes in some ways. I cry more...I don’t like it. However, I do have a higher resolve and am more passive over some things. I’ve come a long way since I was 18 and I’ve rebuilt my life since my ex. I do things because I have to and not always because I want to. I am happier now than I have been before. Recently, as I had said before I received some bad news health wise. I have to go for a couple of pretty horrible procedures. I’m not liking it and nor do I want to do it. Unfortunately I have no choice. The experience has made me a bit emotional about it all. I originally planned to keep the whole thing pretty quiet until I talked to my mum. She told me that the more people that know means the more people that can pray. She is right and I know I’m in good hands and that everything in life happens for a reason and has a purpose. I just would like to skip over it with people though because when people know, they want to hug me (I LOVE hugs)...then I want to cry. I know people say crying is good for you...but I’d like my more non emotional days back. Maybe this is part of being weathered as you get older. I wish I could be more like my mum or my granny...I grew up with great women who are so strong. Neither of them ever seem (or seemed) to sweat the small stuff and stood their ground. I think sometimes I need to take a leaf out of their books the most in life...it might help.