Totally Rational Phobias Part Two

So my friend Rob kind of put me to shame. He went and decided to some what face his fear. He is extremely scared of bugs and creepy crawlies. We egged each other on a bit and teased each other which resulted in me emailing him pictures of oversized bugs and in retaliation he sent me a picture of the world's greatest goldfish. Advantage for him was that he got his wife to open my emails first. I have also threatened to bring jars of spiders to his house and he's threatened to pay the postman to put a large fish in my post box.

To show me up he informs me on Thursday night that he managed to watch a whole T.V. programme about bugs without totally wigging himself out. Rob and Courtney have a fish tank in their house but as much as I managed was having a plush fish sitting on the table staring at me...and it didn't even look like a fish. So I started thinking about how I can make steps to overcoming a little bit of my fear. To be honest I'd rather not but I'd also like to not freak out at T.V. programmes about fish or the goldfish section of the pet store. So this was my plan of attack...
1 - buy empty goldfish bowl
2 - get comfortable with the bowl approximately 2months
3 - put water in bowl
4 - get comfortable with bowl, water and changing water approximately 4 months
5 - buy wind up plastic fish
6 - bask in the wonder that is my new aquarium and my first steps to becoming non fish phobic
7 - replace fish when rusty

I thought this might possibly be an ingenious solution to progressing in dealing with my fear and also showing Rob that I too can semi face my fears.

Then...I thought about it some more.

Then I realised that someone might mistake my progression for my want for a real fish and buy me an actual real live goldfish. I especially run this risk because based on my approximate time calculations before buying the wind up fish it is 6 months...6 months takes us May which is my birthday. I DO NOT want a goldfish for my birthday.
So I'm back to rethinking my plan.
Maybe I could manage a wind up fish in a cup of water on my desk...

The Two Saga....

It happened again...another call and another debackle over the number two.

-I'll give you the number and then transfer you through
-OK
-1-800-26
-3 6?
-no...2 6
-3 6?
-no...2 6
-3?
-no, 2
-3?
-no, 2 the number before 3
-3? I don't understand
-no, twwwooo
-3?
-no, T-W-O
-T-W-O
-yes 2
-I don't know what you're saying
-T-W-O
-I don't know what you mean
-2 the number after 1 but before 3
-3?
-no...2 not 3
-3?
-no...2...twwwwoooo
-2?
-yes
-2 6x xxxx
-ok so the number is 1-800 26x-xxxx right?
-yes
-NOT 3?
-NOT 3
-OK transfer me.
-Ok thanks...

Again English was not their first language...but still is it really that hard. TWO!!! It's not even close!! I can't seem to change my accent to make it sound more like the number two to other people. I told someone about this problem and they told me not to change my accent but it's kind of hard with calls like this. Although some people are nicer than others and I usually end up apologizing for my accent. Some people are just plain rude though...

-so what is the number?
-888...
-what?
-888...
-what is that!?!? it it it
-sorry it's my accent I mean 8...the number after 7...
-8?
-yes..
-so 888?
-yes 888 xxx xxxx
-so 888 xxx xxxx?
-yes
-fine. Learn to speak properly!

That person is actually an assistant to one of the people I have to deal with and since I'm in the central office and her main point of contact you would think she'd be nicer to me.
I'm still totally perplexed that people keep thinking I'm Australian. The Northern Irish accent does not sound remotely close to being Australian. Although I remember years ago Naomi told me someone asked her if she was Jamaican...not close at all. The funny thing is that recently in the past 2 weeks I've been told 4 times I sound really Canadian...can't see it myself...especially with my TWO! Maybe I need elocution lessons for how to pronounce my numbers...or maybe next time I'll just bang the receiver off my desk...

Wikipedia and Norn Iron so it is...

I love Wikipedia. It really is the best website ever. One minute you're looking at 'Sparta' and the next you're looking up 'poppies' in some sort of wild prolonged random tangent. However recently I've felt slightly dismayed by my source of all knowledge.
It all started when I was in a store and a song called 'Africa' came on but not the version I knew. To be honest this is so far from my taste in music that I'd rather push pieces of wood under my finger nails than listen to it but I was sure this was not the song I'd heard before. So I googled it...and low and behold Wikipedia had the answer. Firstly I found out that this was a cover of the song I had thought it was and secondly I was a tad miffed. I kind of put Wikipedia up there on a knowledge pedestal only for it to be knocked off it when I discovered it had a flippin page dedicated to 'Africa' by Carl Wolf...since when did that deserve a page?!!? It's not even his song! When did music artists get so uncreative that they just keep releasing covers?? I did not go on my usual tangent into Wikipedia that day. I closed the page and sulked.
I use Wikipedia quite a bit when people ask me questions about home. I mean it's really just too hard to explain the vast history of the problems in Northern Ireland to someone. Someone once said to me in total shock that they'd just realised that Bloody Sunday wasn't just a nice song by U2....give me strength. My response was "no...one of the most well known and most violent days in Ulster's history was not just a 'nice' U2 song". So recently I decided to take a proper look at what Wikipedia said about some Northern Ireland related events...have to say it kind of puts a bit of a one sided slant on some of the things.
Unfortunately there is not a Wikipedia page that I can direct people to when they ask the question "Do you not feel so much safer now you're not living there??". Answer in short...no. I actually would be more scared of the random violent events that take place everywhere else. I think most of N.I's problems are targetted. I lived there for 18 years and I don't think I ever once feared for my safety and that included being stuck in a bomb scare which actually had a bomb. Plus I'm young enough to have missed most of the severe violence but both my parents lived through it unscaved.
My friend Pete once asked me if I'd ever seen the Captain Planet episode about Northern Ireland. Captain Planet is a cartoon superhero that was designed to increase peoples knowledge and awareness of pollution etc...and apparently world events. I watched the episode and honestly I think it suggests that all of N.I's problems can be solved if we all co existed and ran bread factories and bakeries together.... click for a bread shaped tomorrow
I mean wouldn't bread just solve all of the world's issues...hunger, poverty, war could all be solved with a piece of sundried tomato focaccia.
So yes in all my readings I was thinking about retarded questions I've been asked about home. Here is my list...and I apologise in advance for any which are not policially correct but it is what I was asked.
Do they have cars in Ireland?
Do they have roads in Ireland?
Do they have black people in Ireland?
Do people only eat potatoes? (originally I thought they were joking...they weren't)
Is everyone in a sort of mob?
Do you own a gun?
Have you ever been shot?
Have you ever seen someone be shot?
Have you ever used a gun?
Can the Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland not just be one place? (ummmmm....)
Is the head of the IRA Michael Flatley? (I think I actually laughed so hard at that one I cried)
I think Northern Ireland in general gets a bit of a bad reputation. It's honestly not as bad or as backward as the people who ask me retarded questions appear to think. The last one is fantastic though...I could just see terrorist organisations putting down their weapons in favour of Irish dancing.
I love Northern Ireland and miss it and although I wouldn't go back to live it'll always be home. I also still love Wikipedia even though it has a page dedicated to 'Africa' by Carl Wolf...it did answer my question I suppose...

Driving Pet Peeves #2

I think this driving pet peeve is one everyone can sympathize with...unless you are the source of my pet peeve. Every monday to friday I embark on a 35-45 minute drive to work along a very busy highway. Admittedly I'm not the most patient person when it comes to driving but I just find my drive to work totally boring and tedious. It's nearly all highway and for the most part has 2-3lanes all heading in the same direction. You would think that having this many lanes the traffic would move fairly rapidly which, on occassion it does...that is until mr 'let's only do the speed limit or lower' comes along and sits in the fast lane. Suddenly you can add a good 10-15 minutes extra onto my journey...not amused.
What is particularly annoying about these people is that the other two lanes are the slower lanes and continue on at the speed they were doing, which is totally acceptable...except they now happen to be going faster than the cretin who has just pulled out in front of my car. It makes it so much worse when they add insult to injury and actually do lower than the speed limit. Then just when they pick up speed and they pass the cars in the slow lane...thank goodness! So you (and the majority of drivers behind you)stick on your indicator, drop a gear and decide to go into the slow lane to pass...Fatal mistake...you shouldn't have indicated...because as soon as you pull into the lane their car magically acquires super speed and they zoom in infront of you. So there you are stuck in the slow lane behind mr break pedal.
I think what makes this whole thing so much worse is that a lot of the drivers who do this actually drive decent fast cars but just don't use them. This happened with a mustang...I drove past muttering that the car was wasted on them. Although I'm sure the driver that was stuck immediately after them was muttering a whole lot worse.
Seriously though if you're one of these people do us all a favour and stop being an idiot. The car behind you blarring their horn, flashing their lights, riding on your bumper with the slightly posessed looking driver is just trying to tell you to get out of the way...take the hint.

Catch Me If You Can

So I haven't been on here for a little while. Life kind of got in the way on that one. I've been busy with work although it's been good. I've been working with one of the directors who's a friend on a new training manual. He does all the hard stuff and I do the diagrams...suits me. It's good though because I'm doing something worthwhile and learning at the same time so I enjoy it. Although I think I revealed my true geeky side. Most people who know me quite well will know I'm totally disorganised and have numerous to do lists which never get done. However, when it comes to presentations and meetings and stuff like that I love making booklets and spreadsheets. It's a horrible affliction but I think I just see it like a big project. It makes people think for about two minutes that I'm super organised until they open drawers of my office desk and see all the paperwork I've momentarily (or forever) hidden. Reminds me of when the flat we lived in in Scotland was up for sale and I used to hide the ironing in the cupboard so that people who were coming to see it wouldn't see the 3 weeks worth of ironing I had. Ironing is the bain of my existance, I'm not like my mum at all and do not find it in the least bit therapeutic. I'd rather eat my own eye out with a spoon than do ironing even if it does make the sheets and my clothes feel so much nicer....it's momentary.

After being busy with work and just before the training meeting I developed a lovely cold complete with cough, sneezing and runny red nose...all the attractive stuff. I have to say the most lovely part about having the cold at the minute apart from the assumption from 75% of people that you've suddenly contracted H1N1 is how people behave towards you. Since when did everyone get so OTT about germs. I mean I just love being made to feel like I have the plague when people shake my hand or touch something I've used and then visibly santize their hands afterwards. I think it's kinda mean and like telling someone they repulse you. I've touched you and now I need to clense myself of your cooties. What happened to when people were kids and used to wipe their noses on their sleeves? I think we should ban hand sanitizer then I can infect you all with my cold and make you all feel super attractive with sneezing and snot.

The Urban Dictionary paints the image the best...

Snot Monster - When someone is so blocked with mucus that they're dripping or spraying snot everywhere, but they have no choice and have to go to work, college, or the pub. Thusly end up gifting their infectious disease to all and sundry.

In amongst my sickness and work I did make it out to two Santa Parades. The one where we live was great. Ben turned 4 at the start of October so he's properly excited about Christmas and Santa this year. My dad had man-flu so my mum and I took Ben to both parades this year. The local one had loads fo fire engines and firemen so Ben was so excited and telling me how he wants to be a fireman...knowing my son he's more likely to be starting the fires than putting them out. The Toronto Parade was horrendous. We got there early...which you have to do to be able to see anything only to be met with a family who put out 8 lawn chairs behind the barricade which made it kind of difficult to find space. We'd taken Ben's stroller since he's only ickle and being a long day it's good to have somewhere where he can sit if need be. Well we ended up leaving early. We got shoved by this group of non english speaking idiots. Santa parades are really for kids so I think that you should really let kids be able to see...these people did not agree. There was a youngish guy standing pushing my mum (who was holding Ben) out of the way. Some large stunted woman in a raspberry coloured coat who was related to the guy was shoving me. I think it was just as well we left because I was minutes away from turning around and telling her to remove whatever it was that she was sticking up my ass or I'd be calling one of the policemen over to have her charged with assult. Then we missed the train by 1 minute and had to wait an hour on the next one to have to stand the whole way home...was NOT a good day. Oh and to top it off I had to keep messaging Ben's dad to put off the time when he could speak to him on webcam because of the delays only for him to be bitchy back and tell me it's just as well he didn't have any plans....I was pretty sure Ben should come first but that's him. I got our annual santa parade photo though and I think mum and I have vowed never to do that again.

Then lastly in my catch up on all the weeks, I decided that I wasn't sick and in pain enough and booked to have two tattoos done last Thursday because that's what you do when you're sick. So I got one done on the opposite side of my back from my lucky number 7...I was all happy because I've wanted it for 9 years but it was frickin sore. Being sick and sitting leaning to the side for an hour is not the most enjoyable. I gave the guy that does mine some free reign with my wrist tattoo which I hadn't done with the other three but just specified no colour and told him roughly what I wanted...ended up I love it and want to get my other wrist done too. I know people say 'won't you regret the tattoos when you're older??' but I figure I'm 24...I have quite a few years before I'm really old and by the time I reach 60/70/80 there will probably be a ton of old people covered in tattoos with holes in numerous parts of their bodies. As long as I like them then that's all that matters....and half of mine are covered anyway.